What many don’t realize is that anger, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. In fact, anger is a loud clarion call that something is very wrong. Unfortunately, despite its absurd obviousness, we haven’t gotten the hint – yet. So, anger doesn’t go away. It will not go away until it is acknowledged, embraced and forgiven – with humility.
What is lower on the totem pole than anger? Apathy. Resignation. Being comfortably numb. Aloofness. For many of us, if we’re not angry we’ve just kind of given up; running on automatic; in full avoidance and denial. At least the ‘assholes’ are alive and kicking; the little boys in them desperately trying to be heard; wanting the all-enveloping hug from the Mummy in the Mother, and raising hell in the absence of it. How many of us, men and women, experienced the mummy-in-the-mother?
How many boys, in the absence of getting the mummy-in-the-mother, grow up with that void of nurturance which results in frustration and anger? How many men unwittingly look to their partners and wives for that missing mothering/feminine energy? Except we’re not supposed to get that from our sexual partner – so then many relationships are fatally compromised from the beginning, as a twisted dynamic develops between man and woman. Wife is not mother. Meanwhile, most women have also not received the proper maternal mirroring from their mothers – so they don’t even know what a healthy version of that is. This is the inbuilt betrayal of our parents, who themselves have largely played out the historical patterning of trauma that was passed down to them. Most of us don’t know any different, so that ubiquitous lack of deep mothering seems normal; it often doesn’t even feel like a lacking because in most of our lives, and in our society at large, it barely registers to begin with.
Where is that deep mothering? Millennia of misogyny and centuries of the hyper-rational system have relegated women and the feminine to the sidelines; deemed unhealthy, especially for young boys (a wonderful documentary that illustrates the plight of boys growing up in our culture is The Mask You Live).
The repression of the feminine is so thorough that most women are full participants in the worst aspects of it. That the divine feminine has been crippled in men is one thing – and a given – but what of the commensurate de-feminisation in women? It goes without saying that, generally speaking, the daddy-in-the-father has been permanently missing-in-action.